![]() Intimacy can’t be achieved without honesty and vulnerability.ĭo you observe yourself making more “I” statements or “You” statements? Needsīefore recovery, I never knew I had needs. Each I-statement represents something of a risk, an experiment of vulnerability. I’m uncomfortable vs You shouldn’t do thatĪnd apparently I-statements are also a way to achieve emotional intimacy.īecause “I-statements reveal the speaker, since it brings him/her out of hiding. So in recovery, we learn to use “I statements” to express for Me, Myself & I ONLY. “You should do this… Why are you doing it this way?… Have you done it (in the way I want) yet?” - Familiar? We want to exert influence to manipulate others to do what WE want them to. We seem to forget everyone has the permission to think, feel and react however they choose. In CoDA, I’ve learned to speak for myself.Īs Codependents, we tend to want to control how other people think, feel and react. I’ve also learnt to identify my feelings and express how I feel to people around me.ĭo you know how you’re feeling right now? In my recovery, I’ve learnt that feelings are important and all feelings are valid. How you respond to your feelings is what you can control. Steve writes in his book, Monkeytraps: Feelings cannot and should not be controlled. Last thing, feelings can’t be “controlled”. ![]() We need to learn to express our emotions/feelings in healthy ways. You know the people who hold it all in and then one day they outburst because they can’t hold it in anymore? That’s because they don’t know that feelings need to be expressed in a healthy manner which doesn’t end up being harmful to themselves and others. We need to learn to process how we are feeling. Hiding, pretending, simply stuffing your feelings or shutting them out doesn’t make you a better person. Or maybe, they’re not equipped to deal with their own feelings. Feeling one’s feelings may be a painful process, and people would rather avoid pain and pretend to be fine. People avoid feeling their feelings because they’re afraid of being real with themselves. Because this may mean they are “wrong” for being angry or appear weak if they show sadness. Therefore people are afraid to show that they are sad, or angry. “Do Not Be Angry, It Is Bad For You”, “Do Not Be Sad, Be Strong” or whatever other bullsh*t. There is too much shaming of “negative” emotions in society and Social Media. I never knew I need to honour my feelings, no matter WHAT I’m feeling. Not knowing what you are feeling is a characteristic of Codependency. I never knew I had the right to feel whatever I did. In the past I actually had to ask my husb “what/how” I should feel toward something or someone. I never knew the necessity of identifying them-what am I feeling: Glad, Mad, Sad or Scared? Also, we can tend to overstep other people’s boundaries by giving unsolicited advice or thinking we know better.ĭo you know what your boundaries are and are you firmly standing by them? Feelings So it’s not really in our social consciousness. As a Codependent, we’re really bad at deciding on a boundary and sticking to it, since we tend to be people-pleasers. She also used to not knock on our door before entering our bedroom, because she said she’s our mother and has every right to do whatever she wants to her children. She used to invade the privacy of her children by looking through our letters and our journals. Hah! When I think back about it, the person that “taught” me about boundaries, or lack thereof, was my mom. It sure felt like I’ve been going to meetings longer than that! What I’ve learned at Codependents Anonymous in a yearĬlick on any of the following to jump to its segment. ![]() I went for my first CoDA meeting on Thursday, and shared for the first time at my second on Thur, 3 Dec. I need to OWN my recovery.” So I went to check my emails - because I know I emailed my therapist, Steve, and group therapy mates after I went for my first CoDA meeting.Īfter digging through my emails, I finally found it. I NEED to know when I started, so that I can chart my progress. So what makes this so different?īut then one day, I decided, “ NO, I need to take charge of my recovery. I”m not the person who thinks: 2016 has been a good/bad year for me, etc. Initially I thought, “Who cares I’m not someone who remembers milestone years anyway”, I don’t keep track of which year I graduated, which year this or that. Every time at a meeting, during the call for CoDA birthdays, I would wonder when mine was. I didn’t know when I started going for meetings. I celebrated my one year with CoDA in early December □ A little back story: Owning my recovery I really like the message on each one: To Thine Own Self Be True. I celebrated my first year in Codependents AnonymousĪt Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) meetings, “CoDA birthdays” are celebrated and marked with chips. ![]()
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